Dear Well-Known Doctor,
I’m writing regarding the position as Librarian advertised on Reed’s job site. My message to you is this: stop looking, get your coat, you’ve pulled. I meet your (perfectly reasonable) criteria. We are of one mind, when it comes to cotton and its use in clothing counting as ‘one of the finer things in life’. You mention that you have extensive interests in literature, conservation, medicine, property dealing, silk & jewellery – AS DO I! I am your librarian.
Let me take you step-by-step through my utter suitability for this role.
· Have a genuine love of books and slip into the tropical style like a natural. Am I right in thinking you wrote ‘native’ here but Reed made you change it? Tough times – it’s PC gone mad, these days. But my God, I love books. My love is genuine – all librarians have love for books of the highest credibility. Beware Shambrarians applying – they may express a fraudulent love of books but mark my words: the things they love are XML, ale, and ‘being inside’ (preferably underground).
· Monitor and attend auction houses for forthcoming book auctions and inform of any relevant items for the library. I am very happy to attend auctions on your behalf, although I should warn you that I am SO untamed by civilisation (see below) that the formality of auction houses doesn’t suit me. I may snarl at the chap with the gavel, and wave my sandles at The Man in a sneery way. But that comes with the territory of me.
· Have a interest in overseas travel and the tropics. Boy do I! I went to Italy once during August – it was hot I can tell you. Also I am SO untamed by civilisation and free-spirited, that I don’t use ‘an’ before a vowel either. I have a interest in adventure!
· To develop a knowledge of techniques for the preservation of books to help plan a library for the future. Well, I’ll tell you right now – I’m actually from the future and the preservation library of the future does not include flowing water and high temperatures (see below). Books hate that stuff. (I know that because of my genuine love of books.)
· Love nature, jewellery and the finer things in life such as natural materials for clothing (silks, cottons etc). Well this is me to a ‘T’. Silk and cotton are two of my very favourite materials for clothes. I like to combine all of these things you list here, actually: just the other day I wore a silk shirt and some earings on a trip to a donkey sanctuary.
· Be adventurous, free spirited and untamed by civilization. I think we’ve firmly established I am all these things. I only stumbled upon this ad on a Job Agency website because I mistyped ‘going to Peru on a whim to build mudhuts’ as ‘Library job in Guilford’.
May I also express my delight at the benefits offered.
· The ‘offices’ you’ll be working in will have a tropical ambiance, be at high temperatures, designed with tropical plants and free flowing water features (you’re encouraged to wear sandals or walk barefoot; and really feel at home and relaxed whilst working). Working in an office in Guilford with the air-con blasting out on ‘hot’ at all times – if that sounds wrong I don’t WANT to be right! And, as someone untamed by civilisation, may I just say how happy I am to see someone else care about water features which use ‘free flowing’ water. I hate those ones which use the other sort of water, makes me sick to my stomach.
· Complimentary jewellery, designer clothes, books and perfume will be given for use in work time, both in the UK and overseas. Thank God. As someone untamed by society, I frequently wear non-designer clothes and smell of my own shit.
· Monthly pedicures and manicures to keep you feeling pampered and appreciated. Always good to see this – although it is 2012, so I’m not sure you could get away with offering a job which DIDN’T have monthly pedicures these days. Plus, have you tried walking around bare-foot in Guilford? Takes its toll, I can tell you.
· All expenses paid overseas trips. Excellent!
· Mobile, laptop, car and accommodation provided when needed. I love those times when accommodation isn’t needed! I’ll sleep on the beach! The one in my really hot office!
· All expenses paid overseas trips. The fact you’ve listed this twice is very exciting – there must be loads. I will travel literally ANYWHERE! (Except the Tropics, hope that’s okay.)
So anyhow, I think you and I go together like peas and carrots, like eggs and bacon – like designer clothes and someone untamed by society! So let’s cut to the chase and give me the job. I await your response.